After a short break, we return with big interviews with our Matushkas. This is not just an interview — it is a desire to share with you the experience of living through grief. This is a very complex psychological topic that cannot be hidden in the sand like an ostrich’s head. If grief happens in life, you don’t have to hide it and consign it to oblivion or drown it in alcohol and antidepressants—you have to live it. And our Matushkas are united by one path, which each travels in their own way and they are united in the fact that they remain with the Lord: it is impossible to live through grief without Him.

Today we have another story and it can be called truly Christmas, because on that Christmas there was a miracle: the birth of twins who might not have been born.

Matushka Elena is the widow of Deacon Svyatoslav Drozdov, mother of three wonderful children.

“There are two lives inside me”

“When I heard my husband died, I couldn’t believe what happened!” I felt like my life was over. Mentally, I flew somewhere far away. The emergency doctor gave me a strong injection with a sedative and reminded me that I have two lives inside me that should be born in 2 months. That’s how I came to my senses. And she began to ask for God’s help, to survive everything and live on… The Lord did not leave us,” Matushka Elena began her detailed story about the most important thing in her life:

«See you…»

Before meeting her future husband, Elena lived the life of an ordinary non-church girl. There was work, prosperity, stability, but something was missing: faith, church life, spiritual joy. She wanted love, children, family.

One day Elena went to the Lavra to the Monk Sergius to ask the patron saint to grant her a husband and family. Those young people who she met along the way were not happy; everything was wrong. One thing was missing:

“I was waiting so long for my only, reliable and loving one, and a despair began to visit me: there was no person close to my liking,” this is how Matushka Elena explains the state she was in before meeting her future husband, “I went to church on holidays and lit candles… I was searching for my soul.” Her soul was searching for God.

And so, St. Sergius helped. The Lord heard the prayers.

One day, a young man came into the store where Lena worked, just to buy water. For Svyatoslav it was love at first sight. For Lena it took time to understand that he was her destiny.

«At the Peak of Happiness»

“And it was as if someone directed me, as if they told me, look in this direction. He came in to buy some water, I didn’t see him right away,” Matushka continued her memories.

Later they started attending church together and she had her first communion as an adult. The happiness of earthly love was mixed with heavenly spiritual happiness into a single whole, similar to a solar pillar of warming light.

They got married, but there were no children right away. Again Elena went to St. Sergius and asked for a child. Soon, a daughter was born. They called her Sofia.

Svyatoslav graduated from seminary, was ordained a deacon, and served in the town of Pushkino near Moscow, not far from the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. All was good. Every day Elena thanked God for the boundless happiness in which they lived.

«There was no money, we lived in a rented apartment, but this was not a hindrance at all and did not in any way darken family harmony. The Lord, faith, family, a caring husband — everything that the soul wanted and asked for in prayers was fulfilled.»

Soon, more amazingly happy news burst into their lives — the couple were expecting twin boys. But, everything collapsed in one moment—so quickly and unexpectedly, like during a concert when the lights go out in a brightly lit room.

The heart of a young, healthy, athletic man suddenly stopped two months before the birth of his long-awaited sons.

«On that fateful day, Deacon Svyatoslav served the liturgy. Then there was a basketball match; he had been playing this sport for a long time. He returned home, felt slightly unwell, and blamed it all on the road and overwork.»

He layed down to rest, but it grew worse. Matushka Elena suggested calling an ambulance. Her husband just waved it off. Well, what kind of ambulance? He is young, healthy, has never been sick, he is not an old man who needs to call an ambulance for every surge in blood pressure.

Everything happened quickly. She went to another room briefly, but he wasn’t there. Silence was the only thing she heard. She looked around and he had already died. Imagine the shock that you need to call an ambulance or someone else and run somewhere to get artificial respiration. Her two-year-old daughter is running nearby with her big belly not allowing her to bend.

At that moment, Elena did not understand what was happening. This simply cannot be real, she felt. No one can be prepared for this!

«Children must be born»

Father Svyatoslav always said that the Lord created us for joy and love. You can’t anger God with questions “for what and why?” These words were spinning in Lena’s head, like the only real saving thread between delirium and despair, among the abyss of misunderstanding of what happened.

“I was mentally on the moon. There was a fear that premature labor would begin and the boys would not survive,” Matushka recalls. It was like a carousel, when consciousness tries to escape from the whirlpool of madness, which drags it deeper and deeper.

“Lena, no matter what happens now, children must be born,” she heard a voice from the reality that was leaving her consciousness.

There were two months left. I had to pull myself together. Children must be born!

“I understand that I need to have children, we are in a rented apartment, I can’t work, I have 11 thousand rubles in my wallet, twins under my heart, and a two-year-old daughter next to me. God help me! Don’t forsake me and the children!” 

People helped. Help came from all over the country. People surrounded me with such love… strangers! The Lord took my dear one from me, but I felt great support and warmth through other people. “Hold on, I’m close, it’s necessary,” sounded in my head.

«I lay down and cried — it was very hard.»

At first they lived with relatives. It was impossible to stay in the apartment where Slava died for even a minute…

«Prayer and communion saved me and still saves me to this day. It is impossible to survive this without prayer. A month passed, the pain dulled… But then it hurt again, with renewed vigor.»

«They were born on Christmas Eve»

«Explosive joy arrived, for the first time in two long, impenetrably desperate months of struggling with grief and fighting for the lives of two unborn babies. It was a miracle carrying our twins to term.»

«When the midwife showed two small, screaming, red men at once who needed this world so much—who needed a mother, air, and love the heavens opened. The angels covered them with their wings. At that moment I felt a new space, a new era, and new realities had arrived. It was happiness through pain and tears… They were born, and they are alive, and they will live.»

Literally after only a single day in intensive care, I was already running! Even the doctors were surprised.

When a child is born, everything changes. My boys Matvey and Svyatoslav are with me. They were born healthy!

«6 years have passed»

Elena’s monologue:

«Now 6 years have passed. Every year when the anniversary approaches, the wound of loss opens and bleeds. You learn to live with this pain. What saves us is the feeling that he is always there and helps us. Over time, of course, things became easier for us.»

«Why did you leave so young? I often ask myself a question without an answer.»

«‘Where is Dad?.’ the children ask. ‘I say that he is in heaven, he died and now in heaven he protects us and prays.’ It’s hard to explain everything to a child. Father Svyatoslav, pray for us there!»

«At first, one word about Father Svyatoslav and the wound opened again. A year has passed, two years have passed, it is a little easier. You begin to smile and respond to people. If you pray, you are not alone, and support comes from God. Life goes on and you need to live on.»

«I was all black. There was such a state of mind. Now I wear light clothes. At first I didn’t understand at all what they were saying to me. Two small children were an outlet because there was no time to sit. Twins grow differently. I had to feed, wash, dress, play, so I lived on autopilot. But at the age of three, a milestone came when caring for children became familiar: only church and communion continued to give strength. And so I lived from communion to communion. There is no time to give up. I learned to live through ‘I can’t.’”

«At what point it became easier, I don’t even know. Yes, at first I had to rely on sedatives… But now I can see the colors of life. Christmas and three children’s birthdays are coming soon.»

“When people do good deeds, they themselves become purified.”

These are the words of Matushka Elena… When we had already talked about everything, she continued talking about the people who at that moment helped her survive. It was like a personal visit from God. It turns out that when we help, we become co-workers with God, doing His work with our own hands.

“The Lord surrounded us with such care, through caring people: I didn’t have a feeling of being abandoned by God. At first I was very afraid that something would suddenly happen to me, and then what would happen to our children? I realized that I had little faith, that I could not trust God. And now I think about this state, that it is dangerous: to be afraid of the unreal, the future that did not happen, for example. It is not there, and we fall into fears that take away the joy of life.»

«It’s better not to be afraid, but to give thanks! I thank God every day for everything that happens to me. Even for difficult life situations and illnesses. At these moments, the most sincere prayers help you understand your weakness. I am grateful to God, even for such a difficult turn in my life as the departure of my beloved, only husband. Because I firmly believe that the Lord loves us all and does not wish us harm. We all stand in line at the transition to eternal life and no one knows when his turn will come. Thank God for everything!»

You can help the family on our website: https://matushkideti.ru/donate/svytoslav-drozdov/